I have cancer. Cancer does not have me. God does.

I’d like to say they removed my cancer with a little c when they removed both my breasts.  But we don’t know that for sure.  It is good.

On the first day, God had a plan and included me in it.  He set into play a master equation that is simply breathtaking.

On some day beyond that, within the last 4 years, I started paying attention to what the universe was saying to me.  I won’t lie, I’m not always looking with open eyes, but when I do, it’s astounding!

On some day beyond that, I started listening to podcasts.  And on a fateful day, I heard a podcast by Tim Ferriss that changed the course of my life.  This particular episode, Gary Keller – How to focus on the One Important Thing (#401), led me to another podcast, The ONE Thing.  Now, this podcast is centered about finding that one thing, that lead domino, that when you put it in place, it makes everything else you have to do easier or even obsolete.

So I did this exercise where I separated my life into buckets, set out my goals of what I wanted to achieve by the end of my life, and then worked my way backwards to find that one that that by putting it into place, I could set myself in motion to achieve those goals.

In the area of Health, my ONE Thing was to schedule a mammogram that I have been putting off for years.

So, on January 2, 2020, I had my first mammogram.  And they called me back.  And then I met Millie, my technician, who found 3 tiny lumps.  Later, I would learn that those 3 tiny lumps were so small, that other technicians had trouble finding them upon follow up biopsies.  Millie saved my life because she was looking.  My radiologist told me that he saw some concerning markers on my scan, and he used the word concerning several times, and he even told me then and there he thought I would end up needing a mastectomy.  At first, I was taking it in.  Then I was angry because my personal doctor would have never worried me over anything.  I later realized he was mentally preparing me for the journey ahead.  I was blessed again.  It was good.

With this news, I immediately put into place the “ONE Thing” that I could do at work and home that if they had to go a time without me, they would be able to self sustain.

Some day after that, in late January, my biopsy confirmed I had invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer).  Stage 1.  Because it was caught so early it was very treatable.  Nearly 100% survival rate.  It was good news, if, of course, you have to hear news like this.

Some day after that, my boss, understanding my situation, allowed me time to go get a second opinion, not allowed, she encouraged me and gave me the space to do it without stress.  And I’m so fortunate to have MD Anderson, one of the worlds best Cancer Hospitals only a 4 hour drive from me.  I spent several days there and while they generally like to “save the breast,” they too, encouraged me to get a mastectomy.  Both doctors agreed on the course of action for my impacted breast, which gave me the peace of mind I had been praying for to know what to do.  Because I had now seen so many different doctors, and I heard differing opinions from them about whether or not this could impact my clear breast, I decided to take a conservative approach and remove both my impacted and my clear breast.

On March 10, 2020, I had an operation to remove both my breasts.  After 5 hours of surgery, I woke up.  It was painfully good.

On March 11, 2020, one day after my surgery, the World Health Organization declared a global pandemic for Covid-19.  People in a frantic went to the grocery stores and bought out all the toilet paper.  But because I was preparing for my surgery, I had already stocked my cabinets for the 2 weeks I would be down.  Yes, I had bought a 24-pack of TP too.  It was good.

Then for the two weeks that followed, in a time when people could not find food, food magically appeared on my door step.  It was good.

I was given a breathing tool that helps keep my lungs healthy, in a time when a deadly disease attacks the respiratory system.  It was good.

Then, a few days ago, I received word that they removed all my tumors, but I have cancer cells spread out like scatter shot across 8 centimeters of my breast.  My margins are slim, less than .1 cm.  My largest tumor was .9 cm when they first found it.  In a month and a half, it had grown 50%.  That’s ok, they removed it.  I have multi centric disease, which means multiple tumors were growing at the same time, but it’s not spread, it’s separate tumors.  However, I will pause because I rejoice that I had them take both breasts.  I’m not a doctor, and I know my cancer from my right side did not spread to my left, but somewhere deep down, I wonder that whatever was allowing the multiple growths in my right breast, might also impact my left.  Again, not spread, but still be a factor if a new cancer occurs.  Somehow, I know this news, too, will be used for the good.

In fact, there is no spread, my lymph nodes are clear.  This has not metastasized!  I’m still only stage 1A.  But they can’t be 100% sure that they got all the cancer cells that were spread out like scatter shot because with margins so small, it’s impossible to know.  I might be 100% cancer free!  But, I might not be too and even if they left just one cell, it can grow into a tumor.  So now I’m looking at daily radiation and the next phase of my treatment.  I won’t lie, it’s a little daunting in Covid-19 times.  Cancer + Covid-19=Complicated.  This is cancer with a little c, and I have a healthy respect that the c may be a little bigger than I originally thought, but God is still bigger than it all.

Let’s play the “what if” game.  Now that’s not a good game to play in advance of life occurring, but it’s intriguing to play with your past.

What if I hadn’t scheduled my appointment when I did?  This tumor grew fast.

What if I hadn’t met Millie? They may not have seen the tumors.

What if my boss hadn’t have given me the time off to get a second opinion?  I may not have taken both breasts.

What if I hadn’t been able to get my surgery in when I did?  The hospitals may become over burdened and I may have had to wait longer.  Longer than that growing tumor may have let me wait.

We could go on.  But I will leave you here, because hopefully now you know how I know that all along, God’s finger prints have been all over.  Blessed!

God works with intention, and I say that no matter what we experience, if it is God’s intention, it is good.  Keith Craft says, “When we say what He says, we see what He sees”  (twitter handle @KeithCraft).

For those who have eyes to see, let them see God’s plan in their lives too.

Rest, peace, and my love,

Shanda

Update September 21, 2024: It’s been four and a half years since my diagnosis. At 5 years I can call myself cancer-free. I know I already am. I still look at my diagnosis as a gift because it was a wake-up call that I was able to answer. A good friend of mine just passed away from cancer. It was not a gift for her.

I have been looking for the pause button for the past several days while processing her death and my dad’s passing of a heart attack (one year ago yesterday), both taken too soon. For all those in the battle to survive – fight the good fight. It’s not easy. It’s infuriating. It’s still worth fighting.

I see life in the details that I used to take for granted. My daughters laugh at the dinner table. My son’s excitement when he runs in saying “Mommy, mommy, guess what?” (he’s 6’1″ and by no means a little kid anymore). It’s so funny how quickly you get back into a routine and stop paying attention to the details. But, for those that want to know, I’m no longer carrying cancer myself. Everything is going to be ok. It always has been. It always will be.